Darnell Moore

Media Maker and Author of No Ashes in the Fire: Coming of Age Black & Free in America・@MooreDarnell

Photo Courtesy of Darnell Moore

During my second year of undergrad, I was secretly dating a dude back at home while I was openly messing around with some of the girls on campus. Back then I thought I was moving between opposing urges. I thought that I needed to choose. I thought that gray was less of a possibility than the very clear choices of straight or gay. Attraction is much more complicated than that though. My Life.

Mary, you probably never imagined that you were singing to me. The thing is: I wanted people to look into my life, to see me, so that I no longer had to move through the world as a half-version of a self. I wanted them to see my difference, my magic, my love, my desire, my being and not be afraid. And on many occasions, I would hide in the vastness of my imagination, as your big voice moved about my room, dealing with shit that most people don’t have to deal with alone. Like when my first love—even if he was a pleather version—cheated on me. When he told me that I didn’t know how to love him the way that he needed to be loved. I was too young and worth it to be tolerating his bullshit, but alas, you words….

I CAN'T DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT YOU DON'T WANT ME AROUND

WHY YOU WANNA SEE ME DOWN?

IT'S SO UNUSUAL THAT YOU DON'T LOVE ME NO MORE

WHY YOU WANNA CLOSE THE DOOR?

Your music was ours, was mine. You sing the poetics of our real Black ass lives. You sing our joys and our pains. And in your voice, there are no lies. Your music got me through some tough ass days that were ultimately shaped by my unwillingness to love myself more than the idea of love itself. You helped me with that. I wanted to be happy then. But I truly am today.

Darnell Moore